As most of you know, I was in a car crash a couple of weeks ago and life hasn’t really been the same for the past ten days. My car was damaged badly and repair costs are over $8300, and that doesn’t include personal stuff that resulted from this crash. I’ve had x-rays that show there is a compression fracture low in my spine, and severe whiplash that runs from shoulders to tailbone… all in all, I’m in a lot of pain and haven’t been able to do a lot for the past ten days.
I have a long road back from the pain, apparently, because I had pre-existing issues that have also been made worse. The other driver, a woman close to 92 years old, is fine and trying to dodge responsibility by denying everything, even being charged for the driving offense.
So, next week is very likely to begin a long run with physio therapy, more statements to insurance people, and probably a face to face with her insurance company regarding the injury. I’m not looking forward to the next few weeks.
Despite having a lot of down time away from the computer, I’ve been reading more, and really looking honestly at a lot of things in terms of a writing career gone wrong. I’ve tried to quit, usually not with much success, and I’ve adapted to market changes, learned, and written things I love–and things I hate. Ultimately, all it’s gotten me is a bad case of regrets and disappointment.
I guess in many ways I’ve been the architect of my own failure because somehow I always choose integrity over expedience, and therein lies the bigger issue. I’ve had a lot of battles with people in this business, many more than I ever would have believed possible because the truth is, I don’t look for controversy and generally just want to be left alone. It took me several years to rid myself of the insanity of role players constantly hounding me, and creating dramas while they went about destroying whatever reputation I had built. When I’m done, I walk away… I remove people from my social media who have brought nothing but emotional upheaval and maybe that inadvertently creates more issues than it solves? Who knows? I certainly can’t make heads or tails of it.
I’m a sensitive and intuitive soul, always have been. I say that as a simple statement of fact, not a ploy for empathy or sympathy. When I help people out, which I have often done, and I get back snide comments, gossip, and outright lies from people I once trusted, it does hurt. When I see people I consider friends continuing to interact with the ones who’ve ripped into me, it does hurt. I’m a big girl, though, and I try to leave that pain and sense of mild betrayal where it belongs, and I try to move forward. I don’t pretend to understand because I don’t work this way–when someone hurts someone I love, I deal directly with the person who’s hurt my friend, and I just remove the offender from my radar. That is MY way of dealing with things. I don’t continue to court the people who lie and belittle those I care about. I can’t do it any other way and still be true to who I am as a person.
I have removed at least two well-known and successful NY Times best-selling authors from my social pages because they lied outright to me about situations that hurt a lot of people close to me. Was it a wise career move? Probably not. Hell, I know it wasn’t, really. But, again, I choose my loyalties and stand by them. I don’t use the people I know to make myself look better or more important to readers, or potential audiences. In the end, this may be part of why I stagnate in obscurity while a lot of people I know move into the big publishing houses and make it onto the lists.
At the end of the day, nothing I do makes much of a difference, and I accept that, too. Pain is not a great catalyst for decision making, so I won’t use how I feel right now as an excuse to quit. That said, I also won’t pretend I like people I don’t like, or use the success of others to further my chances at getting ahead in this business. If I can’t do it on my own terms, I won’t do it at all… and that, it seems, is the way it will end up being anyway.
May your success always be something that makes you smile with pride, and may your heart be blessed in all you do.