A few days ago I announced that I was retiring from writing
and publishing. It wasn’t done for effect, or attention. It was a simple
statement of intent on my part. Since that announcement, a surprising number of
people have asked me why I’d give up a lifelong dream when I’ve achieved a
decent success. Ironically, I don’t see success, I see a lot of work for little
return over the past eleven years. People define their successes in ways as
unique as they themselves are, so it’s all a relative question. I decided I’d
try to answer some of the questions I’ve been asked by going back to my
journalism and approaching this from the W5 perspective. With that in mind, it
occurred to me only one of those Ws really mattered at this stage, the why part of the equation. Still, let’s
do it right…
Who: That would be me, obviously.
What: Retiring from the dream of a lifetime job.
When: Effective almost immediately – I have two contracted
stories waiting for final edits and release dates, and one more pending…
Where: Anywhere books are sold, social media, websites, etc.
And the big one, the really complex angle, the WHY of it
all: I’m sure a lot of readers have seen blogs and announcements
like this in recent years, and everyone has their reasons for setting aside the
goals and dreams of a lifetime. I can only tell you why it’s come to this point
for me.
I’ve spent eleven years building a network that includes
some of the most talented and wonderful authors in the business, and fabulous
readers and friends. It’s been the joy in a business that has grown
increasingly difficult over the past decade. We all do this for different
reasons, I’ve discovered. Most start out because they love the writing, the
crafting of words into worlds and relationships that enchant readers and make
them want to read more. I’ve been passionate about the written word for as
long as I can remember, my house is overflowing with books and always has been
that way. Sometimes to the dismay of people around me.
When I started writing it was magical, and so rewarding to
me. I wrote fan fiction for almost twenty years, and there was no monetary
return, only the appreciation of the people who read the stories, enjoyed them,
and sometimes wrote to me to tell me I’d made them smile. I loved it. It was
enough. But it fuelled a desire to do this professionally, to make it a career,
and to be successful at it. In 2004, I got my chance to begin a new journey, as
a professional author. I was beyond thrilled…and still marvel at the chance/luck
that opened this business to me.
I’ll skip the rehash of the journey and cut to the chase for
a change. (I’ve been told often I’m too wordy, and I know it’s true.) I’ve
watched as the publishing business has mutated, shifted, struggled, and hit
amazing highs, and equally amazing lows. I’ve seen quality disintegrate,
rebound, and while it’s wobbly at the moment, I do believe we’re moving back to
a place where good books are being offered to a public that is as jaded and
discouraged as many authors are most days. The optimist in me likes to believe
that trend will continue now that it’s begun.
Let me tell you some of the negatives that led to my
believing there is really no place for me in this business. First, let’s talk
about money, because when you look at a career, you expect to get paid for your
work. In the past five years alone I’ve made less than a thousand dollars–on titles
that add up to several dozen books. Piracy has cost me upwards of $10,000, and
that’s on the sites that are bold enough to actually give a download count on the
pages where my books are being given away free of charge. I can only guess at
how much more it is when I factor in sites I don’t even know about. I’ve
seen/heard a lot of arguments about piracy helping to get your name out to the
public, even seen authors who think it’s something to crow over because it
means they’re important enough to be pirated. I call it what it is, theft. Some
people say these are not the people who’d buy your book anyway, and that could
be true, but it doesn’t negate the stolen payment for the years of work put
into this career. So, money is huge, especially when you know thieves are the
ones collecting on your hard work.
Then there’s the search to find a niche in the market, an
audience that is loyal to you and supports you. I have a tracked network of
over 12 million via my social sites and websites, much as it amazes me. In
spite of that, I can’t find a readership when new books come out. I gave up
writing erotic romance, it’s a genre I don’t feel comfortable in anyway. I took
time out, spent the past couple of years relearning writing craft. I felt
confident and hopeful about starting over. That died quickly when my last novel
was rejected for reasons that have little to do with my skill as a writer, and
a lot to do with track records, readership–or lack thereof–and even a failure
to have become less diverse over the years. To say that I’m discouraged is a
monumental understatement.
In my heart, I want to write, to create beautiful, romantic
stories that will touch the hearts of those who do read the books… by the same
token, I struggle daily with the question of whether or not it’s worth the time
and energy, and caring, that goes into this for me. I’m the only one who can
answer that one, of course, and maybe it’ll be clear one day soon. The one
driving force in all my writing was the pleasure others took in the stories,
and when they were excited about what I was creating, I worked that much harder
and drove myself to write the best story I could possibly dream up. I’ve even
been spared the harsh reviews that most writers have to suffer, and say with
complete honesty that about 90% of all my reviews are positive. That doesn’t
excuse the ignorance that social media and the internet has bred with such
abandon, and what I read in reviews makes me shake my head at times…
In the meantime, the question remains for me–is it time to
retire? Will anyone give a damn if I never publish another word? I will…this is
the one and only thing I wanted to do with my life, and until recently I
believed with all I am that I could make a success of it… all I have at the
moment are uncertainties, and confusion. And doubts… so many, many doubts…
